First blog ever

*I would like to dedicate this first blog to "I dream of buttercream", who inspired me to start this blog with her honesty and humor.

So as of right now I am on 5DPO and smack dab in the middle of my 2ww. I just posted in my chat room the other day that this part wasn't so bad for me, but I think that I was wrong. It is really hard to have nothing to do but wait. I try to distract myself by talking to my very supportive girls in the "actively trying; ttc at 29" group but that only takes the edge off. I need to plan, to have something to "do" to make me think I am productive. That is the worst part of this process for me, that most of it is wait and do nothing. I am even starting to think that all this planning is somewhat fraudulent, that it's just an illusion of power, the equivalent of twiddling my thumbs in a waiting room.

I feel myself blaming every little twinge on being pregnant already. I am tired lately, like extra tired and I am already blaming that on being pregnant, but my brain knows that it is way too early for that. It's funny how your brain and heart can so blatantly disagree. I thought that maybe I could blog everyday about what is going on with me and maybe that would help it get out of my head. Even though that is my aim, I am constantly looking online for "early pregnancy symptoms", and thinking "do I have that? I should watch out for that".

I have been telling everyone that this is my 2nd month to ttc but technically it is my first. We did try last month but my DH had "health problems" that didn't allow us to try completely. We also didn't give it the full try we could've this month for the same reason but we did try completely on my day of O and that is keeping my hope alive. Although, I hear all of these other women talk about how they tried everyday on the week of there O and still didn't get there BFP so what chances do I have really? I have a 15% chance of conceiving every month even when I do everything right. Still my want of a baby propels me to keep hope. hope, hope, hope, twiddle, twiddle, twiddle.

My DH brought up that fact that I am "forcing" him into ttc yesterday. That was a real blow. I had thought that since he had made the decision that he had come to terms with it and was much better and happier about it. The sentence was in context of him talking to a real comitment-aphobe friend of his, so maybe that played a part. He has so far been really great about the process. telling me things like "don't worry, we'll have a baby". I am now supposed to think what?

I have waited so long already. I have been wanting a baby for 5 years now. That is 5 years of glancing at the babies clothes at stores, of smiling with a warmth in my heart at children I see, of planning names, of imagining activities that we would do, of what kind of mother I would be, of what kind of a father my DH would be, of dreaming. I am getting tired now and I have only just started ttc. Even though this month I have the highest chance I have ever had of being pregnant I can't allow myself any leeway. I don't think of being pregnant, of names, of anything. I wish I had not made the mistake of telling anyone about me ttc, it kills me when people ask about it. All I think of now is O dates, "how many DPO I am, how early can I test? I am 5DPO now so I can test in 4 days, when that one is negative I will try again everyday until AF is due", arrrrrgg!!!!!